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  • DO SOMETHING GOOD
  • Thursday, October 20, 2005

    Hurricane Eatmisery...

    I need to be honest and I need to get this out. I have felt like shit lately. I'm not myself. I haven't even wanted to write about it, really. I just feel like I'm someone else inside my own body. I'm sure part of what I'm feeling is due to my surging pregnancy hormones, which make me feel like a hurricane about to hit land.

    *Baby Jack doesn't like to go to sleep at night, so he keeps us up until he damn well feels like going to sleep. Last night, he stayed up until 12:30 a.m. I'm not happy about it, either, considering I have to get up at 5:40 a.m. Plus, he's teething and it's no picnic.

    *Work sucks. When one person doesn't do what they promise to do, it affects others, who then have to pick up the lazy person's slack. Not fair.

    *I'm worried that I won't be able to give the new baby as much love and attention as I've been able to give Jack, so far. And I'm also scared that I'm going to shortchange Jack on the love and affection once the new baby arrives. I've read that it's normal to feel this way, but I never saw these feelings coming.

    *I feel like I'm falling apart, little by little. My plate is full and it's only made of paper, so everything in my life is sliding off because it's too heavy.

    *I still have that cold. I've had it for at least two weeks and I just can't shake it.

    *I'm terrified they're going to make me have another C-section. I didn't want the first one and I sure as hell don't want another one. Jack will be fifteen months old when the new baby arrives and I'm scared that they're going to rip another baby out of me because it's just so soon since the last one. This is why I'm putting off seeing my new OB/GYN. I don't want to hear this most likely inevitable news.

    *My body is tired, but my mind won't stop. I can't concentrate; I can't sleep; I can't even focus on red lights and stop signs. I know they're there; I just don't care. I still stop for them, but they mean nothing to me. Does this make sense?

    *I love my husband, but I can't stand him right now. I don't even want to get into it. He just doesn't understand.

    *I cry at least once a day for a multitude of reasons. I feel lost, distraught, angry, alone, scared, sad...you name it. I feel everything but happy. And Baby Jack only cheers me up for fleeting moments. I've suffered from depression (years before I ever got pregnant) and what I feel right now is a lot like what I felt before. Is it possible to tell the difference between postpartum depression and normal pregnancy hormone surges? I really need it all spelled out for me. I think it's too late to have PPD, but I really don't know. I just keep telling myself that I feel this way because I'm pregnant. I just don't ever remember feeling this bad when I was pregnant with Jack. And don't tell me to go to the doctor. I don't want to yet.

    *If there's anything I dislike about being pregnant, it's all these feelings I'm having. I don't want to go through this part of it again. If being pregnant means I have to be a basket case, I don't know if I'll ever do this again. I just can't take it.

    So, there. It's not everything on my mind, but it's a start. I just needed to be honest with myself and write it down so that maybe, just maybe, it won't cloud up my head so much. I don't feel much better for writing this stuff down, though. I still feel empty, like a coffee cup that's just been spilled all over a white carpet. Does any of this make sense to anyone or am I just going crazy?

    21 Comments:

    • At 1:13 PM, October 20, 2005, Blogger Erin said…

      You poor thing. I'm sure that it is the hormones, but that doesn't help.

      As for loving 2 children, you will love them both equally, but in different ways. Jack will not get 100% of your attention anymore, but the baby will bring a new and exciting dimension into his life. He is young, he won't remember. (I know, it sounds harsh, but it's true.)

      If you don't mind me asking, why did you end up needing a C? There are many reasons and most doctors are willing to try a VBAC if that is what you want. If your doctor won't at least give you the chance FIND ANOTHER! You shouldn't have to go right into a section if that isn't what you want to do. It's your body. If there isn't a good reason for a section, they have no right to push it on you. (This coming from a 2 time JOYOUSLY sectioned mom!! LOL!)

      Which way is your scar? (If you don't mind me asking.) That will have a lot to do with whether they let you try.

      GO TO THE DOCTOR! First trimester care is the most important! At least you can get early tests done and then switch if need be.

      Take care of yourself. I have a great book I'll get the title of (cause I can't remember it off the top of my head) and you should buy it or check it out of the library. Hell, I'll send it to you and you can send it back after the baby is born. I swear I'm not a stalker ;) LOL!

      Hugs sweetheart. It's almost the weekend. Promise me you will take the time to rest and rejuvenate over the weekend. You and the baby both need it.

       
    • At 1:24 PM, October 20, 2005, Anonymous your concerned sister said…

      Crazy like an overstressed, full-time working, pregnant, mother of an active baby with his own agenda crazy!

      Amy, the things you do in just a 'normal' day would stress out even the most stable, organized person. You're not crazy, you're overworked, tired, stretched-too-thin.

      Maybe it would help to shuffle your priorities. Pick three (or so) things that are important to you, and do them well. I would imagine you would pick SLEEP, Jack, Hubby. We all know that if you don't get enough sleep, nothing will go right.

      The rest just let them take care of themselves if you can. I know you hate to sleepwalk through your job, but why shouldn't you if everybody else is?

      The house? Who cares? If it gets dirty enough, somebody will come in and take care of it for you.

      As for neglecting Jack when the new baby comes, I can relate. I always felt bad that The Princess only got to be the baby for a couple of months. But she turned out fine. Every kid has his/her lot in life. That's just how it is.

      I'm done commenting. I'll just have to call you later.

      Hang in there, sister. You are loved by so many people. You'll get through this.

       
    • At 1:55 PM, October 20, 2005, Blogger Lizard Queen said…

      That is part of the reason I have a 10 year age difference between my kids. I don't like some of the initial hormone craziness.

      Your sister is right. Just from what I read, you are really stretched too thin. The addition of pregnancy hormones only intesifies it. I had to learn that no matter how guilty you initially feel, it's really important to take some time out for yourself. If you don't, then everything else suffers.

      Hang in there, I'm sure it'll get better.

       
    • At 1:56 PM, October 20, 2005, Blogger kristin said…

      Alright. I'll do my sisterly duty and tell you what I always wanted someone to tell me when I was going crazy when I was pregnant "It will seriously be alright." I promise you. And, in the meantime, you CAN take prescription antidepressants or antipsychotics like abilify or wellbutrin or even Xanax. Seriously, sister, I feel your pain.

       
    • At 1:57 PM, October 20, 2005, Anonymous Mom said…

      Your schedule is rough. Hormones or not, you're just tired! In addition to working full time, you're taking care of a baby on the outside and a baby on the inside. There just aren't enough hours in the day to do it all. And it's lonely. Sometimes I'm sure it feels like you're all by yourself (which is the way I used to feel). Back then, if I had 10 things to do, I would do all 10 things, but I felt I wasn't doing any of them well. What did I learn? Don't try to do everything, and don't try to do everything PERFECT.

      Actually, going to work is a good thing. It helps to leave "baby world" for awhile every day. You cannot define yourself only as "a mother". You are a good person, a creative person, and an intelligent person. I know it's bad now - but maybe next week will be better. One day at a time...

       
    • At 2:48 PM, October 20, 2005, Anonymous Greek Girl said…

      Did you know you have a fan from Greece too that reads your blog every day? I ran into it a month ago, read it all in a day and continue to do so every day. :)
      I think you are a great mom!!! And if you were a great mom so far, you'll continue to be a great mom even with 2 kids! Baby Jack will be a great brother to his brother or sister, they will grow up together and be so close because of the little age difference. You'll see!

       
    • At 3:39 PM, October 20, 2005, Blogger sue said…

      Everyone's said it better. Just know I'm here, too... {{{hugs}}}

       
    • At 4:58 PM, October 20, 2005, Blogger cubmommy said…

      I am so sorry you are feeling so stressed. I stay at home with my two little ones and it is crazy and stressful. You are a strong woman to add work into.

      You are a great mom! Those hormones really suck and do a number on your head. Everything will be ok. I agree with everyone above.

      Listen to your mom and sister they know you best!

      I have been like you I have been going through a few things and I haven't written all of it out on the blog yet.

      I hope things get better for you soon! I am here for you if you need it!

       
    • At 5:31 PM, October 20, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said…

      Worrying about another C-section should not prevent you from going to the OBGYN. You have to take care of yourself and your unborn baby. If you were that worried you should have WAITED to have another baby!

       
    • At 5:37 PM, October 20, 2005, Blogger eatmisery said…

      Fuck off, Anonymous.

       
    • At 8:12 PM, October 20, 2005, Blogger mamalife said…

      It all makes sense and you're not going crazy. Hmmm.... let's see, recently back to work (to a physically and emotionally demanding job) full-time, a little one at home, lack of sleep, pregnancy hormones, first trimester exhaustion, typically mommy/woman too much too do with too little time to do it, knowing you'll soon have even more to do (much as you'll love it) when the new bambino arrives... PHEW!!! I'd say you'd be crazy if you did NOT feel as you currently do! I'll second, third, etc. all the others who say go to the doctor because you need to take care of yourself and it is better to have your fears of repeat c-section addressed (even if you don't like the answers) than to wonder and not know and obsess. Hang in there, your internet pals are here for you! (maybe I ought to evacuate to Chicago and clean your house and fill your freezer while I am there!)

       
    • At 2:52 AM, October 21, 2005, Blogger Kim said…

      Hi! I read your sister's blog and thought I'd come by and drop you a line.

      You are not crazy. You are, however, extremely articulate. You wrote the best description of depression I've ever seen.

      First of all, don't worry about another C-section. Find an OB that will support your desire for a vaginal delivery. Enlist the support of a doula to back you up. Don't be afraid to look for support to do what YOU want. Of all the times in your life YOU are the MOST important thing right now! If you are healthy and rested, then hubby and that beautiful baby Jack are the beneficiaries.

      And, forgive me if I am getting too personal here, but it is at all possible for you to not work for awhile? Even a few weeks off right now to get caught up on rest would do you a world of good.

      And trust me, there will be more than enough love to go around when the baby comes. Jack will be old enough to be your little "helper" and will probably relish the role. AND he will get to be Big Brother and that is a major title!

      I went through post-partum depression after all three kids. It was stopped in it's tracks with #2 by a shot of Vitamin B12 and never started after #3 with the same thing. It's not widely known that it sometimes helps but my OB was willing to try it!

      Good luck to you! Remember, by helping yourself feel better you are doing the best thing for your family. YOU are important. Take care.

      There are many advantages to having your kids close together

       
    • At 9:14 AM, October 21, 2005, Blogger Ohpuhleaz said…

      Girl-
      It's all about you--take advantage!! I live with 3 males. When I am feeling major PMS, I let them have it and you know what? They deal with it. You have more hormones in your body right now than they will ever begin to have. Be selfish!! You're growing a new pumpkin! Can hubby do that??
      I can relate--I wanted a girl so bad with #2 and when I found out (right around Mother's Day) that she was going to be a boy--major depression.
      And as far as the balancing act--kids are resilient. I was born 11 months after my brother and while I always knew I was not planned, I never felt unwanted.
      As far as the Dr? Do what you did the first time--take your prenatal vitamins and take care of yourself. You don't need the doctor unless something feels wrong.

      And don't they say easy pregnancy, difficult birth and difficult pregnancy, easy birth??
      So Jack was the first kind, looks like #2 is going to be the second kind.

      Good luck girl!
      And fuck you, anonymous!!

       
    • At 10:33 AM, October 21, 2005, Blogger Dida said…

      Fuck off, Anonymous - you are chicken shit!

      Sweetie, I spent my whole pregnancy with H fighting depression and I was miserable. I lost weight instead of gained. I almost lost my job because I missed so much work. I kept blaming the hormones, but, when I was sane enough to use my hindsight, it was depression.

      It's alright to feel this way. But you really should go see a doctor - not only for your sanity, but for Hubby and Jack - they are going to worry about you. And if it starts to affect your health, like it did in my case, the baby needs to you to look into it, too.

      I don't have experience with C-sections, but I can see how it frightens you. The sooner you talk to a doctor about it, the sooner you can find out how to have a VBAC - you should be able to at least try. AND, it is one less thing you have to worry about, meaning you won't be sitting around wondering - you will KNOW.

      As for loving another child, you'll just end up doubling the size of you heart. Jack may not notice the change in the amount of attention as much as you think he will since he will be paying attention to the new baby himself. He will have brotherly duties to fulfill - and, from what I've been told, is a blast to watch. He'll also be hitting that independent phase with the walking and exploring the world from a different perspective. And, since we all know how much you love that kid, he obviously knows, too, and will feel confident in the fact that your love for him will never dwindle.

      Talk to Hubby about how you feel. Guys are dense sometimes and will never understand what raging hormones can do to a woman's psyche. Drag him to the doctor with you. Let the doctor tell him he has to help you cut the stress out of your life, that he needs to pick up some of the slack, that it is all for the health of you and the baby. He can't argue with a medical professional.

      Take care of yourself and vent to us silly blog geeks all you want. That's what we're here for!

       
    • At 11:24 AM, October 21, 2005, Anonymous Blondie said…

      You are a great mom, you just have a lot of hats to wear right now. Everything happens for a reason, and it will all work out in the end. You have all the love and support from everyone in your family; we won't let you fall. And to Anonymous, grow some balls and say who you are. What is your problem saying something like that?? You are just a cynical asshat that needs to be CUT!

       
    • At 2:47 PM, October 21, 2005, Blogger nu. said…

      of course you're not crazy! you have every right to feel the way you feel. i'm sad to hear that things are not going so well for you, and i can't relate to the pregnancy hormones, but i can understand how the depression may be making you feel.
      take care of yourself, and cut yourself some slack once in a while. *hugs*
      enjoy your weekend, aye?

       
    • At 3:48 PM, October 21, 2005, Blogger Amanda said…

      I have to say I agree with the others. Although chemical correction through the use of anti depressants may not be what you need, but it might be a starting point to adjusting other things. It might help you get over this initial anxiety and depression, to put you in a place to make other changes. Better nutrition, additional vitamin supplements, more sleep, more "you"time. Stress reduction should be your #1 priority. It is possible. You could consider really looking at your financial situation and see where you can eliminate un necessary things. (Cut your cell phone plan, don't eat out, eliminate cable or sat. TV, or reduce your plan, etc...) You'd be surprised what you can live without, so that you don't have to work. And, this will not "Define you as a mother" it will however, clarify your roles and responsibilities. You can still be creative and intelligent and not work full time. You can't give 100% to everything, work and home, and hubby and pregnancy, yourself and baby Jack. It's just not possible. This world tells mothers we should be wonderwomen and handle it all, and well we just can't. It's not admitting failure, it recognizing reality, and choosing to accept it.

      By the way, hubby and I did all these things. I left a high paying job with benefits to stay at home with a preshcooler, and a newborn. Now I'm expecting #3. Sometimes it's tough emotionally, physically, and financially; but we elimintated spedning where we really didn't need to, and now I give my family what it needs, Me.

      As far as another section, definately find an OBGYN that would support a VBAC, doulas aren't too expensive, and most have payment plans. Another option is to find a midwife with privildges at your hospital. This is a fantastic combination of both worlds. Most midwives have great VBAC rates, and you're in the hospital should a section really be necessary. I switched from an aweful OBGYN to a wonderful midwife, and I can't imagine delivering any other way.

      DOn't mean to sound preachy, just giving my personal opinion! :)

       
    • At 9:38 PM, October 21, 2005, Blogger mr_g said…

      You're dealing with a lot of stressfu issues...raising a baby, being away from him all day, working, husband, new baby coming and the related hormone changes. Sounds like a normal reaction to me...but what do I know.

       
    • At 9:01 AM, October 22, 2005, Blogger Reflections Of A Mom said…

      Your totally NOT crazy! These are all normal feelings, but if you have past history of depression I'm sure it's more magnified for you then someone else. You WILL get through this, and be thankful you have a baby and work to occupy most of you day so you are not concentrated on it ALL the time.

      My second pregnancy went SO much faster than the first one. And when they told me I was going to be induced, I flipped because I wasn't ready. It didn't even seem like I'd been pregnant for the whole 9 months. Hang in there. Once your hormones regulate in your second trimester things will be good again. You are NOT alone. We have all felt what you are feeling!

       
    • At 4:52 PM, October 22, 2005, Anonymous Michelle said…

      Hey there - I popped on over from your sister's blog and if it is any consolation I feel a lot of what you are feeling and I am not pregnant. Add pregnancy hormones on top of being tired, working full time and having a baby already. I wouls say you are doing better than most. So many people don't talk about the hard stuff. I think it is great that you are. I agree with who ever said that a doula will definitely help back you up with finding an OB who will support you in wanting a vaginal delivery. Unless it is a medical emergency it is your right to choose.

      Hang in there.

       
    • At 11:52 PM, October 22, 2005, Blogger Erin said…

      Duh! Midwives and duolas! Didn't even think of that!

      And to anan. (Cause I know you are coming back): How dare you come here and leave such a vicious, unsolicited comment on a blog of a woman who obviously needs support and love. How dare you come here and attack her. We call people like you trolls. You are the low life scum of the blogging world. It is fine to disagree, but be a responsible, respectable person and leave your name. Furthermore, if you are going to comment, please try to use some intellegence and tact.

      Finally, you are a fucked up, shit head. Go back into the cave you crawled out of and leave the rest of us alone, butt fucker!

       

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