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  • Sunday, October 16, 2005

    This Is What It's All About...

    Yesterday, Baby Jack and I shared a tender mother/son moment. It was just before his afternoon nap (which only lasted a half hour, by the way, thanks to barking Java). We were sitting on the living room couch, semi-reclined across it, looking out the front window of our house. We were just looking at the clouds, the trees, the get the picture. Every so often, he would look back up at me, either to make sure I was still there or to just give me a cute smile. It took all my energy to NOT squeeze him so hard out of love that I'd break a few of his ribs. And he kept doing it. He'd speak his language, Jackanese, as I'd name all the things he was seeing out the window, and he'd just keep on talking. He was lying on his back on top of me, taking in all of the sights and just watching the people and the cars and the birds, etc.

    It was right then and there that I knew what Motherhood was all about. I felt like all the emotions and feelings I have for my son were all wrapped up in this one moment of clarity. Looking into his eyes, I saw every dream I've ever had, every ounce of love I could ever feel, every important part of life...and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I'd never felt so good in my whole life. And it's all because he would look up at me and smile every so often. He knew I was there, but he just had to make sure, even though I was the one holding him and he knew it. He just kept smiling at me, touching my face and my hair, babbling on and on about the important things going on in his little world of Babyhood. He made me feel like a Mama.

    These moments don't come too often, where there's no one at home but us and he's being quiet and still, just taking it all in, snuggling his Mama as if I was the only thing that mattered at that very moment. You know what? I really was the only thing that mattered to him right then and there. It's almost as if he was telling me to just be there for him, just love him, just snuggle and relax. "Life's too short to worry about the dog hair on the floor and the doggy nose prints on the windows, Mama." I could swear I heard him say that.

    All in that half hour or so of cuddling, I saw life as it is...snapshots of unconditional love. During that time, I was able to enjoy what life has handed me and I was able to truly feel with my heart and my soul. A tiny fraction of time felt like it was my whole lifetime, wrapped around his little finger. He knew which heart strings to pull every time he looked into my eyes, every time he played with my hair, every time he poked himself in his own eye and giggled about it. He took my heart, opened it up, and showed me how good it feels to be a Mama. And then he only slept for a half hour.

    I should've known that would happen. He just didn't want to be apart from me and that's the story I'm sticking with. It couldn't have been the gigantic poop he needed to take. It was definitely more snuggling that he wanted. Yeah, that's it.

    All in all, it was one of the greatest Motherhood moments I've ever had. And I know there's so many more of these to come. That's what it's all about, really...taking each moment and running with it in between naps, feedings, and diaper changes. The only thing that really matters is that a bond like that can't ever be weakened. And these kinds of moments, these snapshots in time, make up a wonderful balance of emotions and feelings that make me who I am right now.

    I am Mama.


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