1. Tell her she holds her baby too much. Babies can't possibly need to be held THAT much.
YOUR RESPONSE: Is that why you're such a bitch?
2. Tell her she's spoiling her new baby. You really don't want him to get used to you being around. He'll start thinking that you'll always be there for him.
YOUR RESPONSE: Is that why (name of any of his/her kids) is so fucked up?
3. Come over without calling first. Everyone knows that a new Mom has nothing but time on her hands to entertain guests.
YOUR RESPONSE: Answer the door naked with a large double-headed hot pink dildo in your hand. Enough said?
4. Discourage breastfeeding or doubt its benefits. Convince her that her milk isn't enough.
YOUR RESPONSE: Tell him/her that your boobs actually work.
5. Never offer her any relief, not even for a shower or a bite to eat. She has to get used to daily chaos. Plenty of Moms have had no help. Tell her to get used to it.
YOUR RESPONSE: Bake that person lots of brownies laced with Ex-Lax.
6. Tell her to expose her baby to germs as soon as possible. The more dirt and germs the baby is exposed to, the less often he'll be sick later.
YOUR RESPONSE: Tell that person that his/her house if perfect for that purpose.
7. Suggest that she should be doing housecleaning instead of napping with the baby. With the amount of time a baby sleeps, there should be plenty of time for you to get your house clean.
YOUR RESPONSE: Call that person in the middle of the night "just to chat" when you're doing your housecleaning.
8. Doubt her innate ability to read her infant's cues. Crying is crying. It's all the same.
YOUR RESPONSE: Ask that person if "crying is crying" when you break his/her arm.
9. "Babysit" by putting the infant in front of the TV. Tell her the colors on the screen fascinate him.
YOUR RESPONSE: Tell him/her that the baby found the TV to be more interesting than his/her company.
10. Touch her baby with your dirty hands. Germs are good for him.
YOUR RESPONSE: Stick your dogshit-laden hand in his/her meal. Remind him/her that germs are good.
11. Smoke in the same room as her baby. His little lungs won't notice.
YOUR RESPONSE: Put a dirty bong and an opened bottle of vodka under his/her driver's seat and call the cops when he/she goes to the grocery store.
12. Don't bring her any meals or offer to make any for her. With all that time on her hands, she should be able to make dinner.
YOUR RESPONSE: Use same response as #5.
13. Always call when the baby is sleeping. And don't forget to ask her, "Is he sleeping again?"
YOUR RESPONSE: Call repeatedly when you know he/she is on the verge of falling asleep for the night.
14. Tell her the baby needs to get used to a noisy house, even if her house isn't noisy. Tell her to make a lot of noise while he sleeps to get him used to it.
YOUR RESPONSE: Pay teenagers to sit in front of that person's house playing loud music from their cars at various times of the day.
15. Tell her that none of YOUR babies ever cried. And use that as an excuse when she asks what to do about it.
YOUR RESPONSE: Ask that person if he/she was so fucked up on drugs that they didn't notice their own babies crying.
These may or may not have happened to me. Either way, they are mistakes to avoid in order to keep the new Mom sane. If any of these DO happen to you, respond with the suggested responses at your own risk. Eatmisery is not responsible for any of your actions, only her own.