Comments from the Peanut Gallery

Taking one day at a time...

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  • Friday, February 29, 2008

    Words Women Use...

    Pass these pointers on to all the men in your life. Maybe they'll learn something.

    1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
    right, and you need to shut the fuck up.

    2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour.
    Don't be mad about this; it is just the same 5 minutes you use when
    it's your turn to help do things around the house.

    3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
    and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing"
    usually end in "fine" (see #1).

    4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

    5.) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word but a non-verbal statement
    often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
    idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with
    you about nothing (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of "nothing.").

    6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman
    can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard
    before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

    7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not question or faint. Just
    say you're welcome.

    8.) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying "FUCK YOU!"

    9.) Don't worry about it; I got it: Another dangerous statement,
    meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
    is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "what's wrong?"- for the woman's response refer to #3.

    10.) Sleep with one eye open: This is one I use often. This means you better do just that or you'll never see the hammer before it strikes you in the temple.

    Thursday, February 28, 2008

    I Forgot To Show You... haircut, that I, of course, got a couple of weeks ago. Whoops!

    It's growing already. It was a bit shorter before. I like it...a lot. For the time being, I am sooooo done with high maintenance hair. I'll probably grow it again in the future, but for now, I'm happy without all the fuss.

    Wednesday, February 27, 2008

    Reading Is Fun...

    Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.
    I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
    Amzanig, huh? Yaeh, and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

    Tuesday, February 26, 2008

    I Dare You...

    This is my baby picture. I dare you to post your own. Heh.

    Monday, February 25, 2008

    Poor Thing...

    It's called a Naked Mole-Rat, from Africa .

    So, if you are having a bad day and
    feeling sorry for yourself...

    Going through life is hard enough,
    but to go through life looking
    like a dick with buck teeth must be horrible!

    Sunday, February 24, 2008

    I Gah A Boo-Boo...

    For some reason, Jack is developing a British accent. It could be the "educational commercials" on Noggin that are doing it to him. They always have some little British kids growing plants in an empty eggshell or demonstrating how to make bird feeders, etc. Somehow, someway...Jack has picked up on their accent and he loves the sound of his voice.

    He's better at it than Madonna and she lives there!

    The other day, Jack fell down and ran to me, shouting in a British accent, "I gah a boo-boo knee!" I asked him to say it again and he did, louder. When I asked him what would make him feel better, he asked for water, in a British accent.

    It all got me thinking. A year ago, he wouldn't speak at all. Today, he sounds like Elton John. This kid never ceases to amaze me.

    Saturday, February 23, 2008

    Why Mothers Are So Smart...

    Moms everywhere can truly appreciate this one. It makes you wonder why we marry and choose to procreate with such dumb creatures.

    When I was a baby, someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

    Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea,' which was just water.

    After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

    My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "just the cutest thing!"

    My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?"

    Friday, February 22, 2008

    Hee, Hee...

    I just had to post this. I nearly pissed in my pants from laughter when I saw it. It gave me the good laugh that I really needed. Maybe it'll make you smile, too.

    Thursday, February 21, 2008

    My Mom Is The Coolest...

    ...and just to prove it, I'll pass on to you what she gave to me. It's funny as hell and goes to show you how keeping your sense of humor will keep you young. She titled the email, "My Living Will," and I didn't really want to open it because I thought it would be this morbid DNR document which I didn't want to read. No one wants to read that kind of thing when it comes to their Mother. As far as I'm concerned, she's never going to die and I don't want to talk about it. So, naturally, I was stunned when I saw this joke.

    Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

    So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

    She's such a bitch.
    Thanks, Mom. You have no idea how happy I was to see that it wasn't really your living will.
    (SIDENOTE: And thanks to all of you who wished me well. I had a bad stomach flu that had me making best friends with my toilet bowl after many trips there to vomit. I remember that last week, Jack vomited all over me a couple of times in the middle of the night, so I probably picked it up from him. I feel better now; tired, but better. Amen. I haven't puked like that since I was pregnant. Yeesh.)

    Wednesday, February 20, 2008


    On my way home from work yesterday, I started feeling funny. By the time the kids got a bath, I was sure that I'm being hit with something flu-like. I have the chills, my body aches, and I'm not happy about. The kids will definitely get this now. If Mommy gets sick, it's bad.

    So, this is it for posting today. It hurts to even type.

    Tuesday, February 19, 2008

    Keeping It Light...

    Growing up Catholic (Agnostic now, thank you very much), I found this joke extremely funny. You might, too.

    Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's
    liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary K. and said, "Oh, Jack,
    give me a pint o' the brandy."

    "Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I have
    never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"

    "Oh Jack", she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her
    voice dropped to a whisper, "It helps her constipation, you know."

    So Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and
    walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister
    Mary Katherine! And she was plastered! She was singing and dancing, whirling
    around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.
    A crowd was gathering.

    Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame!!
    And you told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

    Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat. She replied, "And so it is.
    When she sees me, she's gonna shit."

    Monday, February 18, 2008

    Ya Gotta Love Dave Barry...

    by Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist

    1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
    on the same night.

    2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
    has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word
    would be 'meetings.'

    3. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'

    4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
    want you to share yours with them.

    5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

    6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

    7. Never lick a steak knife.

    8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

    9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
    reason why we observe daylight savings time.

    10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
    suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby
    emerging from her at that moment.

    11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
    make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

    12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
    gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
    down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

    13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice
    person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

    14. Your friends love you anyway.

    15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur
    built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

    16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as
    grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until
    they turn into something acceptable to have
    dinner with.


    There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on
    Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large
    elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no
    recollection of what to do with them

    Sunday, February 17, 2008

    Thanks, Dora...

    Yesterday, I realized that Livie is bilingual, and perhaps even trilingual.

    She said, "Thank you. Gracias. Thanks." Upon hearing those words, I nearly died. I suppose I can thank Dora and Diego for teaching her that.

    Who says TV is bad for young kids? Livie is such a sponge that she takes in everything she hears and sees instantly. Believe it or not, she also knows a few colors, a few numbers, and a few simple greetings and pleasantries in Spanish. And so does Jack! And that's not the only language they are learning; they're also learning basic signs in American Sign Language, which has been helpful in so many ways when it comes to teaching them how to express what they want. Would this mean that they're trilingual?

    It's amazing how quickly a young child's brain can take things in. They don't yet realize those Spanish words are a language different than their own, but they have the hang of it. I can read, write, and speak Spanish, but I'm not fluent.

    I wonder how much I can teach them. The possibilities are endless when it comes to young kids.

    Saturday, February 16, 2008

    Women Everywhere Would Pay Good Money For This...

    This, my friends, would be better than chocolate.

    Friday, February 15, 2008

    Net-Tea Pot...

    I bought this not too long ago and have been using it quite regularly. I must say there are benefits to using a neti pot; I feel clearer in my sinuses, less swollen, if you will.

    Livie has seen me do it and she's very interested in the whole process. In fact, every time she plays in her kitchen, she sticks her teapot in her nose and says, "MY neti pot!"

    I tell ya, there are teachable moments every time I turn around. It really is awfully cute to see her do that. However, now I have to teach her the difference between a teapot and a neti pot. That might not be so easy.

    I'll try to snap a picture of it. It's good blog fodder. Heh.

    Thursday, February 14, 2008

    Reason #4,736 For Killing The Dog...

    One of Livie's favorite figurines is now dead because of Java, our four-year-old Chocolate Lab who still chews up the kids' toys.
    Naturally, I haven't told Livie about this latest casualty. She'd be devastated.

    Wednesday, February 13, 2008


    I took this quiz for shits and giggles and found the results to be fate, a sign if you will. Considering that I wrote this post a few weeks ago, I find the results of this quiz to be too good to be true. So, it must be telling me something. Of course, my butterfly isn't going to be a tramp stamp like the one below. It's going to be a blue morpho butterfly on the back of my neck. That one will be for Jack because he loves butterflies and that's his favorite kind. The one for Liv will be either a penguin (specifically, "Henry" on the cartoon, "Oswald") or a dragonfly. I'm still thinking about it.

    You Should Get A Butterfly Tattoo

    Sweet and sassy
    For you, tattoos are a thing of beauty - not toughness
    And now that I've cut my hair incredibly short (I'll post pictures soon), I won't have to worry about my hair getting in the way while it heals. Oh, yeah, people. This is definitely going to happen.

    Tuesday, February 12, 2008

    Maturity Matters...

    On Sunday, we had a birthday party for Jack. It was such a far cry from last year's party. Last year, Jack didn't speak at all and barely engaged with anyone. This year, however, he talked and put on a show. He still engaged in some self-directed play, but I'm beginning to think he does that to shut out the chaos. It seems to be a "survival instinct" for him. For the most part, he was clearly a different boy than he was last year, in a very good way.

    Pictures are forthcoming.

    He's also been asking to sleep in the twin bed (with Livie because he wants the two of them to do everything together). I'm thinking he's getting ready to move out of his crib soon. (Of course, once he started asking to sleep in the big boy bed, Livie started asking to sleep in the big boy bed, too.)

    He still doesn't want to go on the potty, but I'm not pushing it. We talk about it everyday, but I don't force the issue. When he's ready, he'll tell me. We just keep planting the seed. You know how Jack is...everything is on HIS timetable and no one can convince him otherwise. Livie likes to go on the potty (she doesn't pee yet, but she's receptive to the idea and likes to use the toilet paper to wipe her "lady area"-yes, she calls it that), so maybe she'll be a good influence on him. He never wants to sit on it unless she's on it and then he tries to push her off to get on.

    That's okay with me. I'm just following his lead. Sometimes the best thing to do is to sit back and let them lead the way. Everything will happen in due time. I'm sure they won't start college still sleeping in cribs and wearing diapers.

    Monday, February 11, 2008

    You Have Just Been Blessed... the Snow Fairy!
    You may carry on now. Have a great day!

    Sunday, February 10, 2008

    Open Mouth, Insert Foot...

    Sometimes there's no rhyme or reason as to why eighth-graders think the things they do. I guess middle school is all about finding oneself, asserting one's opinions, and saying stupid stuff along the way.

    Last week, while my students were practicing identifying their adverbs at the blackboard, I was listening to a student of mine talk to his friend. Let's call this student, "A."

    A: Man, "Juanita" is such a ghetto name.

    Friend: Yeah, I know what you mean.

    A: All the Juanitas I know are so ghetto.

    Me: Hey, A. Do you really think "Juanita" is a ghetto name?

    A: Yeah, it is.

    Me: Um, yeah. A? My Mother's name is Juanita.

    A: [Gasp!] Oh, I didn't mean it like that.

    Me: You mean you didn't mean to call my Mama ghetto?

    A: Aw, man. I'm so sorry. I didn't know.

    Me: So, if you knew, you wouldn't have said that?

    A: Yeah.

    Me: Why don't I just let you tell her that yourself? I can bring her in for show and tell.

    A: So, not only am I in trouble with you, I'm also in trouble with your Mom.

    Me: Yup. And I'm going to tell her about this. I will tell you one thing, though. I assure you that my Mom is not from the Filipino ghetto and she is unlike any of the Juanitas you know. Now you can say that not all Juanitas are ghetto because my Mom is not.

    A: You mean the Filipino projects?

    Me: Yeah, that too.

    The whole conversation was kind of funny, although you had to be there to see the looks on the rest of the students' faces when it all happened. If they know anything about me, they know that you don't mess with my Mama or anyone's Mama.

    I gave him a hard time about it in jest, but I guarantee he's learned a valuable lesson about watching what he says. And it wasn't anything he could learn from a textbook.

    We laugh about it now and he knows I'm not sore about it or anything. Hell, I even told my Mom about it. How could we be mad? He's an eighth-grader and everyone knows that adolescents are naturally bizarre.

    Before I left work on Friday, A told me to tell my Mom he said hello. Heh. I just winked because I'm cool like that.

    Saturday, February 09, 2008

    Gender-Specific Driving Etiquette...

    A woman is driving at night on a narrow country road. At the same time, a man is driving in the opposite direction on that same road.

    When they narrowly pass each other, the woman rolls down her window and loudly yells, "HORSE!" Immediately, the man shouts back, "Witch!"
    The man laughs. He is proud to have reacted so quickly to the shouting woman and takes the next turn in the road,
    maintaining his speed.

    Women...clearly the smarter sex.

    Friday, February 08, 2008

    Three Years Ago...

    ...I became a Mother.
    Dear Jack,
    I will love you forever, good and bad, right and wrong, up and down, all the way to the moon and back. You are every bit your Mother's son, personality and all. I fell in love with you the moment I felt that first kick. You were such an active little guy inside me and now that you're on the outside, not much has changed there. You still bounce around with boundless energy. You are a spirited little boy and I love that about you.
    Now, it's three years later and I still can't believe the hospital let me take you home. You're a fighter and a sweetheart, all wrapped up in a perfect, solid little package. I would do anything for you.
    You have made me stronger, wiser, and you've helped me hone my own instincts. I am amazed everyday by the things you can do and the way you make me feel.
    I am so proud to be your Mama and I'm going to do my best to give you the world. I have a feeling you're going to do something very special and very good with your life.
    I love you, Jack!

    Thursday, February 07, 2008

    I Don't Want To Jinx It...

    ...but keep your fingers crossed. I can't tell you why yet; just keep your fingers crossed.

    Good things may be happening.

    (And, no, this doesn't involve another baby. Yet. Heh.)

    Wednesday, February 06, 2008

    Enough Already...

    It is quite possible that this winter will be the snowiest in Chicago history in 124 years of recording. We are headed for a 60" (that's five fucking feet, people) total by the end of winter, which is more than twice what is normal around here. This latest storm coming right now could bury us.
    All I've got to say about that is...

    ...I'm soooooo ready for baseball season to start.

    Tuesday, February 05, 2008


    This was the edible arrangement we got from my Mom, Dad, and Brother for our anniversary yesterday. Thanks, Mom!

    This is proof that Jack eats fruit...pineapple, specifically. He, more or less, just sucked on it; he didn't really eat it. The dog did, though, and thank goodness Jack never noticed or he would've flipped out.

    And here is Livie with her bowl of assorted fruit. This is what she ate for dinner. She was in heaven!

    Sorry for the tiny pictures, but I took them with my phone because I knew they'd never stay still if I brought out the Nikon.

    Monday, February 04, 2008

    I Hate Goodbyes...

    Tuesday is Jack's last day at his developmental playgroup because he turns three this Friday. He'll be exited out of Early Intervention services. This week is his last week with all his therapies covered under EI. He will, however, continue to see his speech therapist weekly and we'll pay for her privately. I didn't want to completely shut off all his therapies because it would be such a shock to him. He wouldn't understand that he can't see his "friends" anymore because he's turning three. So, we're keeping ST because he loves her and so do we.

    It's sad, really. He has enjoyed all his therapists so much, as they have him. His DT saw him twice a week since the beginning of last July; his OT saw him once a week since last April; and his ST has seen him once a week since the beginning of last July. They've all been such a blessing to us. And Livie has participated in every single one of his therapy sessions right along with him.

    I will miss them very, very much. And I know Jack and Liv will, too. I'm going to have to make sure I have them take pictures with the kids so they have something to remember them by. We've had some really good experiences together. These people are like family to us.

    While I'm excited that Jack is turning three this Friday, I'm also sad that there are goodbyes involved.

    By the way, today is my ninth wedding anniversary. I nearly forgot. Yikes! I've got Jack on the brain lately. I kept thinking our anniversary was on the sixth, but that was actually Jack's due date, even though he didn't come until the eighth. I'm a mess this week already.

    Sunday, February 03, 2008

    Lazy Town...

    I think I've figured out why I love the show, Lazy Town, so much.

    Meet Magnus Scheving, the star and creator of the show. He's dreamy. Not only is he a professional athlete and entrepreneur, but he's also extremely intelligent and good looking. What are the odds?

    This is Sportacus, his character, for those of you who don't know your kid shows.


    Saturday, February 02, 2008


    Click on the photo to enlarge it so you can read it clearly. After reading it, I really have a taste for pie.

    Friday, February 01, 2008

    The Birds...

    You MUST see this! It's too funny to NOT share with you. It's also quite disgusting. You'll never look up under a tree again.

    Trust me. This is worth it.