Comments from the Peanut Gallery

Taking one day at a time...

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  • Saturday, October 31, 2009

    Happy Haunting...

    Have a safe and happy Halloween!

    Friday, October 30, 2009

    Naked In A Dark Closet...

    It's hard to believe my babies are almost a month old. Of course, they've only been home a little over a week. No wonder it's hard for me to believe how old they are right now. They spent their first fourteen (Leia) and sixteen (Liesl) days in the NICU. Those are difficult days and nights I'll never be able to erase from my memory. They're home now, though, and I'm grateful for every minute.

    It hasn't been easy, though. I never thought it would be, though. It's almost as if I have to let the older two run amok just to be able to take care of my newborn twins. I've had a lot of help and I'm grateful for it. However, that's going to end soon and I'll be left to fend for myself. I know I can do it, but I have to find some sort of solid ground and that's not easy to find. My 3yo and 4yo can wreck the house in minutes. I'm going to have to learn how to ignore lots of the little things just to keep my sanity. Things that I normally would've hit the roof over just need to move to the back burner so I can give the babies as much attention as the other two got when they were brand new. Jumping on the bed is just not one of those things that I can afford to make a big stink about...unless someone gets hurt, of course.

    Twin newborns plus two preschoolers is very hard work. I'm talking...hard labor in a Chinese concentration camp. It's enough chaos to leave me naked in a dark closet, wet, with a fan on me, chugging a bottle of whiskey.'s that hard.

    Thursday, October 29, 2009

    Good Facts To Know...

    1. Budweiser beer conditions the hair
    2. Pam cooking spray will dry finger nail polish
    3. Cool whip will condition your hair in 15 minutes
    4. Mayonnaise will KILL LICE, it will also conditio n your hair
    5. Elmer's Glue - paint on your face, allow it to dry, peel off and see the dead skin and blackheads if any
    6. Shiny Hair - use brewed Lipton Tea
    7. Sunburn - empty a large jar of Nestea into your bath water
    8. Minor burn - Colgate or Crest toothpaste
    9. Burn your tongue? Put sugar on it!
    10. Arthritis? WD-40 Spray and rub in, kill insect stings too
    11 Bee stings - meat tenderizer
    12. Chigger bite - Preparation H
    13. Puffy eyes - Preparation H
    14. Paper cut - crazy glue or chap stick (glue is used instead of sutures at most hospitals)
    15. Stinky feet - Jello !
    16. Athletes feet - cornstarch
    17. Fungus on toenails or fingernails - Vicks vapor rub
    18. Kool aid to clean dishwasher pipes. Just put in the detergent section and run a cycle, it will also clean a toilet. (Wow, and we drink this stuff!)
    19. Kool Aid can be used as a dye in paint also Kool Aid in Dannon plain yogurt as a finger paint, your kids will love it and it won't hurt them if they eat it!
    20. Peanut butter - will get scratches out of CD's! Wipe off with a coffee filter paper
    21. Sticking bicycle chain - Pam no-stick cooking spray
    22. Pam will also remove paint, and grease from your hands! Keep a can in your garage for your hubby
    23. Peanut butter will remove ink from the face of dolls
    24. When the doll clothes are hard to put on, sprinkle with corn starch and watch them slide on
    25. Heavy dandruff - pour on the vinegar !
    26. Body paint - Crisco mixed with food coloring. Heat the Crisco in the microwave, pour in to an empty film container and mix with the food color of your choice!
    27 Tie Dye T-shirt - mix a solution of Kool Aid in a container, tie a rubber band around a section of the T-shirt and soak
    28. Preserving a newspaper clipping - large bottle of club soda and cup of milk of magnesia , soak for 20 min. And let dry, will last for many years!
    29. A Slinky will hold toast and CD's!
    30. To keep goggles and glasses from fogging, coat with Colgate toothpaste
    31. Wine stains, pour on the Morton salt and watch it absorb into the salt.
    32. To remove wax - Take a paper towel and iron it over the wax stain, it will absorb into the towel.
    33. Remove labels off glassware etc. Rub with Peanut butter!
    34. Baked on food - fill container with water, get a Bounce paper softener and the static from the Bounce towel will cause the baked on food to adhere to it. Soak overnight. Also; you can use 2 Efferdent tablets , soak overnight!
    35. Crayon on the wall - Colgate toothpaste and brush it!
    36. Dirty grout - Listerine
    37. Stains on clothes - Colgate toothpaste
    38. Grass stains - Karo Syrup
    39. Grease Stains - Coca Cola , it will also remove grease stains from the driveway overnight. We know it will take corrosion from car batteries!
    40. Fleas in your carpet? 20 Mule Team Borax- sprinkle and let stand for 24 hours. Maybe this will work if you get them back again.
    41. To keep FRESH FLOWERS longer Add a little Clorox , or 2 Bayer aspirin , or just use 7-up instead of water.
    42. When you go to buy bread in the grocery store, have you ever wondered which is the freshest, so you 'squeeze' for freshness or softness? Did you know that bread is delivered fresh to the stores five days a week? Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturda y. Each day has a different color twist tie.
    They are:

    Monday = Blue,
    Tuesday = Green,
    Thursday = Red
    Friday = White
    Saturday = Yellow.

    So if today was Thursday, you would want red twist tie; not white which is Fridays (almost a week old)! The colors go alphabetically by color Blue- Green - Red - White - Yellow, Monday through Saturday. Very easy to remember. I thought this was interesting. I looked in the grocery store and the bread wrappers DO have different twist ties, and even the ones with the plastic clips have different colors. You learn something new everyday! Enjoy fresh bread when you buy bread with the right color on the day you are shopping.

    Don't forget Gatorade for Migrain e Headaches. PowerAde won't work. Pass this information on to friends so they can be informed.

    Wednesday, October 28, 2009

    Di Zi Gui...

    This is something that came across my inbox the other day and I thought it was worthy of sharing with you. Click on the link at the end for the PDF file and see the rules for yourself. It's worth your time.

    Ancient Wisdom for Parenting Children - Di Zi Gui

    Something that can survive the test of time will certainly get my attention. Especially when it’s more than thousands of years.

    I was introduced to this ancient wisdom by a lawyer friend. He is a strong believer in this and he uses this to bring up his children.

    He gave me a recorded live workshop on Di Zi Gui and he told me this is the solution to nurture obedient and filial, happy children.

    Di Zi Gui literally means "Standards for being a Good Student and Child." It is an ancient book written based on the teachings of Confucius and it is written in three-character verses. Only 7 chapters with 113 rules. In short, it is a guide for being a good, loving person.

    The principles taught in this book are universally applicable, regardless of your ethnicity or religion.

    To get a feel of what you get from it, let’s take a look at Di Zi Gui with some of the verses that I like:

    When siblings value their ties more than property and belongings, no resentment will grow among them.

    Before an elder, speak softly. But if your voice is too low and hard to hear, you are not being appropriate.

    Before borrowing from others, ask for permission. If you do not ask, you are stealing.

    Rather than talking too much, speak less.

    Speak the truth; do not twist the facts.

    If criticism makes you angry and compliments make you happy, you will attract bad company, and good friends will shy away from you.

    If you do not make a mistake on purpose, it is only an error. If you do it on purpose, it is evil.

    Love all human beings equally, regardless of their nationality, race, or religion.

    We are all sheltered by the same sky and we all live on the same planet Earth.

    Repay the kindness of others and let go of your resentments.

    Spend less time holding grudges and more time paying back the kindness of others.

    Don't you want to teach all the above to your child? I hope you can see the wisdom in this book.

    Even though I know modern Mandarin, but ancient Chinese is not something I look forward to as I have a hard time deciphering it. However, there are many translated copies of Di Zi Gui available to you, and there many are already translated in plain, simple English. (See a resource at the end of this article)

    How to Best Use "Di Zi Gui"

    Treat it no more like just another “story” book that your child reads. Make no difference and special emphasis (though in your mind you know that this book will make a huge difference in your child’s life… as well as yours) on it. Pick a chapter (or section that your child can comprehend and digest) and read to your child before sleep. You can choose to read by following the sequence in the book or you can pick and choose chapters that are more relevant to your child’s age and situations. Read out loud to him and explain to them the meaning of the sentences by giving examples, experiences, and analogies.

    Whenever I read Di Zi Gui to my kids, I notice J could pay more attention than K (probably due to his young age). Though I could see K pays no attention when I read Di Zi Gui to them (he just can’t sit still!), but I am confident that K is quietly absorbing some of the principles from the ancient book. Because sometimes, out of a sudden, he can say one or two points from the book when he sees something that is relevant in his daily life.

    Keep teaching Di Zi Gui to your children until the end, if possible repeat for a few times, as I think this is especially vital to prepare them to be respectful, independent, street smart, and happy persons - something which is seriously lacking in our society today.

    Click here to download a copy of Di Zi Gui in English (PDF file)


    Tuesday, October 27, 2009

    The Good Life...

    Just when I thought I couldn't possibly get more tired, I do. Such is the life of a Mom with newborn twins. Heh.

    It's a good kind of tired, though. Does that make sense?

    Monday, October 26, 2009

    Why Dogs Don't Like Halloween...

    Mmmmm. What's for dinner?

    We're off to see the wizard...

    Ap-peeling, isn't it?

    I always dress my dog up for Halloween, too. This year, she's going to be a vigilant watchdog of four children, but that's not much of a costume. That's her daily outfit; she's "on call" 24/7.

    Sunday, October 25, 2009

    Home Is Where The Love Is...

    I am so glad I'm not working right now. I've heard from several colleagues that it's just not a happy place to be because of various things that are going on.

    In the midst of all the chaos in my own home, I am so much happier being here right now. My house may be noisy, but at least it's happy and there's no malice. It makes me feel very grateful for my maternity leave.

    February 1st is a long way off, so I'm going to enjoy the madness my children create until that day comes for me to go back to work.

    My kids may be crazy, but there's more love in this house than I ever could have imagined there would be. Life is good.

    Saturday, October 24, 2009

    She Reminds Me Of Someone I Know...

    I used to be a girl scout, you know. Just buy the fucking cookies and don't complain about the price.

    Friday, October 23, 2009

    A Perfect Ticker...

    We took Liesl in to see a pediatric cardiologist yesterday afternoon, at the recommendation of her neonatologist in the special care nursery. He'd heard a heart murmur and wanted us to see an expert, even though he didn't think it was anything serious.

    I was very pleased to learn that Liesl is in picture perfect health. What they'd heard and seen on her ultrasound was common for preemies and as she grows, the murmur will go away. The cardiologist said that she is just fine. He also said that there a millions of different kinds of murmurs and that this one is a good one, a "sign of health."

    And those words were music to my ears.

    Thursday, October 22, 2009

    Great Weight Loss Plan...

    I have found a great weight loss plan...stress. I'd gained forty pounds exactly during my pregnancy with Liesl and Leia and have lost thirty-four pounds since they were born eighteen days ago. Here is how I did it:

    1. I went back and forth to the NICU daily with worry about my newborn twins, anxious about when they'd be coming home, what their conditions were, and apprehensive about leaving them each day.
    2. I pumped breastmilk every 2.5 hours (and still do), wondering if I'll be able to wean them onto the breast now.
    3. I worried about what my constant departure was doing to Jack and Liv, who were too young to fully understand what was going on and were obviously being affected by it.
    4. I felt like I wasn't being an effective mother to my kids at home or to my kids in the hospital.
    5. Oh, yeah...and healing from my third C-section and having postpartum depression while all this was happening.

    Yep...all that will definitely make you lose some serious weight. Care to follow that weight loss plan? Um, yeah...I didn't think so.

    I'm just glad the worst is over. Now I can find my groove again. And I've never felt more alive than I do now. Another storm weathered...

    Wednesday, October 21, 2009

    Homecoming, Part Two...

    Yesterday, Liesl came home from the NICU after being there for sixteen days. How wonderful it is to have all four of my children in my home, finally!

    Liesl's sleep study test (pneumogram) came back negative for sleep apnea, so we don't have to worry about that at all. She may have a slight heart murmur that she'll most likely outgrow; it's common for preemies, I guess. I'll take her to see a pediatric cardiologist on Thursday as a precaution , but I'm not very worried about it right now.

    All four of my children are in my home. I am grateful for every minute.

    Tuesday, October 20, 2009

    I'd Hate To Jinx It...

    I don't want to jinx anything, so I'm going to keep my mouth shut. Have you ever felt that way before?

    I'll know more later. That's all I'll say...for now.

    Monday, October 19, 2009

    Almost Complete...

    Leia came home from the NICU yesterday. Jack and Liv were overjoyed to see her and we were ecstatic to bring her home. The only thing that would make this all better would be if her twin sister, Liesl, was home with all of us, as well.

    Hopefully, it'll only be a couple of more days. My family will be complete then. Having all of us under one roof will be the best thing ever.

    Sunday, October 18, 2009

    Homecoming, Part One...

    Leia will be coming home from the NICU today. She is two weeks old now. Her twin sister, Liesl, needs a couple more days, though.

    It's bittersweet. I'm so happy to have Leia come home, but I'm very sad about Liesl staying behind. I only know that it won't be much longer before Liesl can come home to us.

    Until Liesl comes home, I have to get my milk to her every day (and probably only be able to stay for one feeding, instead of two, which will shred my heart over and over again), yet still feed Leia, as well. This isn't going to be easy. I can only hope that it will only be like this for a couple of days.

    Baby Leia is coming home and soon her sister, Liesl, will be able to, as well. Once all of the members of my family are in our home, I will be able to breathe again. And it will be one of the happiest moments in my life.

    Saturday, October 17, 2009

    Turning The Corner...

    It is looking as if Liesl and Leia may be turning the corner for the better. It may only be a matter of days before they get kicked out of the NICU and moved into our home. They're getting better at their feedings.

    Leia ripped out her feeding tube herself Thursday night and they didn't put it back in. They figured she was trying to tell them something and they decided to give her a chance to prove herself. And she has. Liesl is taking more feedings by bottle than she has before, so that's a plus. She's a day or so behind her sister.

    It seems to be only a matter of days now. They seem to be "getting it." Whatever needed to click has and they're improving. I almost hate to hang on to any hopes because I don't want to be upset if there's a setback again.

    I can only hope I didn't just jinx it by writing this.

    Friday, October 16, 2009

    Thank You, SIr...May I Have Another?...

    Both Jack and Liv are sick again. Since they started preschool a month ago, they've both had three colds. It's driving me nuts! I had to keep them home from school yesterday and today because of fever, cough, and just plain misery.

    Before the babies were born, the kids were sick and I was worried about potentially bringing babies into a sick home. Now, I'm back at square one again, worrying about bringing brand new babies into a sick home. I'm hoping Liesl and Leia get out of the NICU next week and that the sickness leaves this house by then.

    Just one more worry to add to my full plate, right? Gah.

    Thursday, October 15, 2009


    Yes, I have postpartum depression. Having gone through it before, I know what I'm up against. I started medication for it before I even left the hospital. Unfortunately, it hasn't kicked in yet, but it will in another week or so.

    I am entitled to feel the way I do and to have those feelings as strongly as I do. I have raging pregnancy hormones from carrying TWO fetuses; those babies are on Day 11 in the NICU; I'm splitting my time between two preschoolers at home, two newborns in the hospital, and a breastpump that calls my name every two-and-a-half hours. It's understandable that I feel just a bit overwhelmed.

    You see, I'm like a teakettle. Keep the heat under me and eventually I'm going to make a lot of noise. Take me off the heat or reduce it and I'll settle down. I just need to find my bearings in all of this. No one and no book can ever prepare you for the whirlwind of major life changes that will happen when you have twins, especially when you can't take them home right away and you have others to care for at home.

    I am very lucky to be married to a man who knows me so well and knows just how much I can take. We have a very close relationship and he's not afraid to tell me when he thinks I need to take a step back. And I'm not afraid to listen to him. He lets me know when I need to take a break from any given situation. He loves me that much.

    So, yes, I know I have postpartum depression. I have been down this road before and those who know me also know this. In fact, I've battled depression almost my whole life. I will get through it and it won't be easy, but I know it won't be forever. Yeah, medication will help, but so will having all the members of my family within my reach in my own home. Time just isn't my friend right now. I can't get into a groove or routine at home when it isn't possible to get into one yet.

    There's a lot on my plate, but I have weathered far, far worse in my lifetime. You have no idea the things I've survived. And I haven't broken yet.

    Wednesday, October 14, 2009


    Blank. Just blank today. Even though I'm surrounded by love and support, I still feel...empty. And it is a lonely place to be.

    Carry on as you were.

    Tuesday, October 13, 2009

    Just Not Feeling It...

    I'm just not in the mood to write much right now. My babies still aren't home and I don't know when they'll be home. I'm tired of going back and forth between the NICU and my home, trying to balance the attention I give all four of my children in both places. I'd much rather have all the chaos under one roof.

    And I'm tired of people telling me that I have time to recover from surgery now that the twins are still in the hospital and that by the time they get home, I'll actually feel like taking care of them. Oh, really... Walk a day in my shoes and tell me exactly how I feel. As if I don't want to take care of them now? WTF?!

    To be quite honest, the recovery from the surgery is a piece of cake compared to my heart being ripped from my chest every time I leave my little girls in the NICU and every time I leave my two preschoolers at home. The only pain I have is the pain of my heart breaking and the pain in my neck from all the stress I'm under.

    Major abdominal surgery is nothing compared to daily heartache.

    Monday, October 12, 2009

    Closing That Chapter...

    My brother says that the more children you have, the better your nursing home/end of life care will be. My husband says that the more girls you have, the better you'll be taken care of when you're old.

    That's great and all, but it's still not enough to convince me to have any more children. I'm soooo done with that chapter. Yep, sooooo done.


    Sunday, October 11, 2009


    The stress from our current situation has left me with horrible neck pain. In fact, I'm not taking my pain pills for the incision or pain from the surgery. I'm taking them for my neck! It's insane! I have this throbbing pain in my neck, the tops of my shoulders, across my collar bones, up the back of my head...I think it's from all the stress of the girls still being in the hospital.

    My incision? No pain. My insides? A jumbled mess, but will eventually get back to normal. My afterpains? None at all. Bleeding/lochia? Only had two days of it. The neck pain? Out of control. And in the last six days, I've lost 20 of the 40 pounds I gained while pregnant.

    Hopefully, Liesl and Leia will be home soon and this neck pain will subside. They're getting better with their feedings. Leia will be ready to come home sooner than Liesl, but we can keep them together at the hospital until Liesl is ready. It can't hurt. Plus, it would be so hard to divide my time between two newborns in two different places, AND be able to give Jack and Liv the attention they need right now. As it is, I spend about six hours a day at the hospital doing feedings. If it weren't for all the family support I'm getting, I wouldn't be able to do this.

    Things will get better. They have to, right? I can only hope.

    Saturday, October 10, 2009

    Heart vs. Head...

    With Liesl and Leia still in the hospital, I feel that there are pieces to my family puzzle missing when I walk around the house...
    when I see my empty belly in the mirror...
    when I roll over and see an empty crib in the middle of the night...
    when I pump my milk for them...
    when I look into Jack's and Livie's eyes...
    when I remember that I walked into the hospital six days ago in labor and came home broken...
    when I take my breastmilk in for them to eat...
    when I leave the hospital knowing that they should be with me, but they're better off there right now...
    when I cry and cry and cry because it hurts so very much to be apart from them like this...

    It just seems so strange to visit my children in the hospital when they should be with me at home, but they can't. My heart and my head are having a battle. None of this seems fair at all. I feel cheated.

    A wonderful, better-than-textbook multiple pregnancy turned into a nightmare-come-true for me. No mother ever wants to see her children in the hospital, especially when they just came out of her. I know what is right for them and I can't change what's happening. I just wish my heart could understand it the way my head does. My head knows that Liesl and Leia are where they need to be right now, getting the care they require. My heart just wants them home.

    I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a complete mess right now. I put on a happy face for Jack and Liv, but my insides are completely shot.


    Friday, October 09, 2009


    I am home, but Liesl and Leia are not. It broke my heart to leave them, but it was also breaking my heart to be apart from Jack and Liv, knowing they were having a tough time with the separation from me.

    Liesl and Leia need a few more days to learn how to eat without falling asleep. It's all developmental and out of my control.

    Now that I'm home, Jack and Liv can settle down. I'll go back and forth to the hospital with my breastmilk until the twins can come home.

    I am spent; emotionally, physically, and mentally. It's to be expected.

    Thursday, October 08, 2009

    Coming Home...

    I come home from the hospital sometime today. I don't know if Liesl and Leia can come home with me. You see, because they were preemies, they had feeding issues due to their maturity and they are required to eat a certain amount six times a day in order to come home. So, I have to "play the game" and let them get a measurable bottle of breastmilk mixed with formula because it's easier to measure that than it is to measure how much a baby can get from a breast.

    Whatever it takes to get them home as soon as possible...I continue to pump breastmilk. Sigh...

    Wednesday, October 07, 2009

    Trying To Breathe...

    I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed right now. I'm just trying to breathe. This is a lot to take in and handle.


    Tuesday, October 06, 2009

    A New Beginning...

    I am still in the hospital and will most likely be going home on Thursday.

    I'm keeping my fingers crossed that Liesl and Leia come home with me.

    Hopefully, we can all begin our life together at home soon.

    Monday, October 05, 2009

    They Have Arrived...

    At 2:22am yesterday, I woke up and had felt and "heard" a "pop." One of the twins' water broke and I went into labor, bloody show and all. I never did that before, so it was all new to me.

    Of course, when I saw blood, all I could think was that it was another placental abruption, like I had with Liv. What are the odds of that happening? Well, it wasn't. I was truly in labor. These babies were ready.

    So, at 5:12am, Leia Belle was born weighing 4lbs, 15.4oz and 17.5" long. At 5:13am, Liesl Marion was born weighing 5lbs, 8oz and 18" long. Liesl needed a bit of oxygen, but other than that, both girls are totally healthy and beautiful. We couldn't be happier. They are fraternal twins; Liesl has very dark hair (almost black)and Leia has curly blonde hair. Oddly enough, Liesl was Baby A, the one who was supposed to come out first. However, Leia pushed her over and decided she was going to be first. Leia also was the one who screamed the loudest! Hmmm...guess who takes after Liv?

    I guess I can cancel today's 11am ultrasound and tomorrow's 9am nonstress test, which would've been my 5th!

    My girls have arrived!

    Sunday, October 04, 2009

    36 Full Weeks Today...

    I am 36 full weeks pregnant today, which technically puts me at the beginning of my 37th week with twins.

    Soon, people...very, very soon. That's what my gut is telling me (no pun intended). Something is happening with my body. These babies are going to be here very soon.

    I know it.

    Saturday, October 03, 2009

    LOVE This One...

    Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

    He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

    "There's no need to," his wife replied, "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace.
    I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

    "I know," she replied, "Now just rest and let the poison work."

    Friday, October 02, 2009

    Bring It On...

    If full term for twins is 37 weeks (there seems to be differing opinions all over the WorldWideInterWeb about this; anywhere from 35-38 weeks), then next Sunday marks 37 full weeks for me. I've heard that 37 weeks is actually full term for all pregnancies, not just twins. So, who knows? All I know is that I'm thisclose to the end and I can smell it.

    Soon, people...very, very soon.

    I have an ultrasound on Monday morning and another nonstress test (my 5th!-which I'm sure I'll pass with flying colors just like I have the rest of them) on Tuesday morning where my OB will meet me there and examine me (instead of having me lug my massive belly to his office on the other side of the hospital afterward). sounds to me like he's going to give me some dates. Wishful thinking, right?

    Whatever. It's very close to being over and I've never been more ready. Bring it on. I'd much rather be kept up at night because the babies are hungry or need to be changed than to be up all night like I am now because of the discomfort of numb hands, a screaming bladder, or just the general malaise that accompanies the end of a multiple gestation pregnancy. Frankly, I was ready a month ago, but these twins were not. Grrr...

    I'm thinking October 8th, which is also our dog's birthday. You see, ALL of my children are born on the 8th of some month:
    Jack = 2/8/05
    Liv = 4/8/06
    our dog Java 10/8/03
    It's only fitting that the twins will follow that pattern, too. Heh. Only time will tell.

    Thursday, October 01, 2009

    Random Thoughts...

    Courtesy of my niece, Blondie... Enjoy!

    -I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

    -More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can
    think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell
    my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves

    -Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
    realize you're wrong.

    -I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to
    have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and
    sticks when they've invented the lighter?

    -Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're
    going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to
    be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the
    direction from which you came, you have to first do something like
    check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to
    yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're
    crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

    -I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

    -Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know"
    feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose
    not to be friends with?

    -Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't
    work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically
    fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all
    know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards
    or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

    -There is a great need for sarcasm font.

    -How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

    -I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
    take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

    - I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear
    your computer history if you die.

    - A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the
    spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

    - LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

    - I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

    - Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron
    test is absolutely petrifying.

    - Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart",
    all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

    - How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod
    and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

    - I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up
    to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

    -What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

    - MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
    know how to get out of my neighborhood.

    - Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
    person died.

    - I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
    shower first and THEN turn on the water.

    -I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

    - Bad decisions make good stories.

    -Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
    profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got
    the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if
    I do!

    - Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

    -You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
    when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything
    productive for the rest of the day.

    -Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't
    want to have to restart my collection.

    -There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
    going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

    - "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

    -I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
    Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and
    goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone
    and run away?

    - I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not
    seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

    -Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising
    speed for pedophiles.

    - As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,
    but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

    -It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

    -I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
    answer when they call.

    -Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

    -Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
    keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the
    Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze
    button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time
    every time...

    -My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would
    happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

    -I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they
    drive behind obeys the speed limit.

    -I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

    -The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw
    they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words,
    someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think
    about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people
    eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by
    myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard
    before dinner.