Searching...
This is the week I'm dreading because it's the last week I'll be 39. I have been dreading turning 40 since I turned 39. I am not having an easy time with this at all.
I don't know what it is. It could be that I have four young children and they'll have an "old" Mom now. It could be that I look at turning 40 as being halfway to dead. It could be a combination of the two or much deeper than I can even perceive. Whatever it is, it keeps me crying. A lot. And it's a very difficult feeling to shake, especially since I can't pinpoint why exactly.
Anybody over 40 says it's no big deal, but it's a big deal to me. It might not be a big deal to you, but it is to me and my feelings should be respected. I don't want to hear any "over the hill" jokes or snarky comments about being an old lady. I don't want to get hurt by it because I'll never let go of that grudge. It's that serious to me.
Am I going to have a party? No different than any other year, a meal I like and cake at my parents' house on Saturday. Am I taking any delight in being halfway to dead? Absolutely not. Can I stop the inevitable? Not really because the only way to not turn 40 is to die before you do. I don't want that at all. I just want to be comfortable in my own skin...40-year-old skin. Ick.
I realize that perspective is everything and it's half the battle. However, I just can't help but think that my children get to watch my slow decline and, ultimately, my death. Maybe that's what has me so blue. Hmmm.
The idea of turning 40 suffocates my spirit. I literally can't breathe when I think about it. In fact, I can't breathe right now as I type this. I'm hoping to find a silver lining and I've spent the last year looking for one. So far, I've come up empty-handed.
Nobody understands how I feel, so it's of no use to talk about it. I just get that "whatever" look. Getting old is not going to be a picnic. And right now, I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. My "dirty thirties" are over. I'm hoping that "the event" won't be the catalyst for my downward spiral.
Bleh. At least I'm being honest. One more week. Sigh.
I don't know what it is. It could be that I have four young children and they'll have an "old" Mom now. It could be that I look at turning 40 as being halfway to dead. It could be a combination of the two or much deeper than I can even perceive. Whatever it is, it keeps me crying. A lot. And it's a very difficult feeling to shake, especially since I can't pinpoint why exactly.
Anybody over 40 says it's no big deal, but it's a big deal to me. It might not be a big deal to you, but it is to me and my feelings should be respected. I don't want to hear any "over the hill" jokes or snarky comments about being an old lady. I don't want to get hurt by it because I'll never let go of that grudge. It's that serious to me.
Am I going to have a party? No different than any other year, a meal I like and cake at my parents' house on Saturday. Am I taking any delight in being halfway to dead? Absolutely not. Can I stop the inevitable? Not really because the only way to not turn 40 is to die before you do. I don't want that at all. I just want to be comfortable in my own skin...40-year-old skin. Ick.
I realize that perspective is everything and it's half the battle. However, I just can't help but think that my children get to watch my slow decline and, ultimately, my death. Maybe that's what has me so blue. Hmmm.
The idea of turning 40 suffocates my spirit. I literally can't breathe when I think about it. In fact, I can't breathe right now as I type this. I'm hoping to find a silver lining and I've spent the last year looking for one. So far, I've come up empty-handed.
Nobody understands how I feel, so it's of no use to talk about it. I just get that "whatever" look. Getting old is not going to be a picnic. And right now, I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. My "dirty thirties" are over. I'm hoping that "the event" won't be the catalyst for my downward spiral.
Bleh. At least I'm being honest. One more week. Sigh.
posted by eatmisery @ 1/23/2012 06:00:00 AM
5 Comments:
At 2:14 PM, January 23, 2012,
Mom said…
I understand. I'm in the winter of my life, and it catches me by surprise. Time went by too fast. However, I have some great memories from my forties and fifties.....and so will you! Your children are going to bring you so much joy and happiness (along with a little pain and sorrow). As Leisl and Leia would say "Get ready, get set, go!" Don't miss a minute of it!
At 4:41 PM, January 23, 2012,
Lisa said…
Ok. I will not say anything. Even though to me my 40's are the best. I'd not trade them for my 30's and good god certainly not for my 20's for anything. But everyone is hit by something different. For me this week it is this. My 96 year old grandmother is quickly declining and there is no good to come of this. It sucks to see her like this and it is going to suck to lose her when she dies. Truth be told, I've already lost her in large part. And today at work I barely held it together and really not even barely before I finally just walked out the door at 4:15pm sobbing. I don't think I've ever in my life walked out a work door sobbing before. And everyone tells me logically "but she is 96 blah blah" And you know what it just pisses me off because there is no logic to this. So I totally get it. As I sit here sobbing even as I write this.
At 10:07 AM, January 25, 2012,
Irene said…
I cannot say that I understand your feelings on turning 40 but I can respect them and I can relate. There is a sense of loss that I am sure you feel and I felt the same way after I had my sons. You'll be okay - sad at first but eventually okay.
At 6:15 PM, January 26, 2012,
Crystal said…
I haven't been able to breathe lately also and I have been trying to figure it out. I turn 40 in August and I am not looking forward to it. Maybe this is why I am struggling. I haven't had any motivation to do anything in the new year and am just shutting down. We need to just embrace this and kick its ass and be the best damn 40 year olds!
At 8:19 PM, January 27, 2012,
Amanda said…
It sounds silly, and I know I'm going to get eye rolls, and "But, you're young." But, that is exactly how I felt about 30. I was very overwhelmed by turning 30. maybe I will handle 40 better, but I'm guessing probably not...
Post a Comment
<< Home