Comments from the Peanut Gallery

Taking one day at a time...

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  • Friday, November 30, 2012

    On The Route...

    My family will understand this picture.

    My Dad was a Frito Lay route salesman for 30 years.  He was the guy who drove the truck and stocked the shelves with the merchandise at the stores.  He took the managers' orders for products, sold them more, and delivered them each day.  The last few years of his career, he had a route in a difficult area of the city.  We hated that route because it was so dangerous for him; we were always afraid he would get robbed.  The picture above is something he would see on a regular basis.

    Those are Flamin' Hot Crunchy Cheetos with melted nacho cheese on them.  Dad said the clientele that visited his stores would open up a bag of that stuff, pour the melted cheese into the bag, and call it breakfast.  He was mortified by it and it became a running joke in our family.  BreakfastReally?

    I just might have that today. It will probably make my guts turn inside out, though.
    Small price to pay for connecting with my father any way I can...
    I miss him so much.

    Thursday, November 29, 2012

    Time...

    Just passing the time...
    wondering when I'll get used to the new "normal."
    Anything to get my mind off the hole in my life.
    So far, it's not working.

    I miss my Dad so much.

    Wednesday, November 28, 2012

    The Other Side Of Life...

    I've always liked the name Alice.

    It's so difficult to write any posts that don't involve my Dad.  I have forgotten how.
    I miss him so much.  Not a day goes by that he's not on my mind.  I try to keep busy, but he always sneaks up on me.  He is everywhere I look.   He is in my dreams at night.  I look in the mirror and I see his face.

    I wonder what he's doing, what the other side of life is like, who he has reunited with, what the fishing is like where he is, how happy he is now...
    Everything reminds me of him.
    Everything.

    Tuesday, November 27, 2012

    Soul...

    This makes complete sense to me now.
    The loved ones we have lost are not really gone; they are still here with us.
    They just aren't trapped inside a body anymore.
    They are free of all the physical burdens placed on human beings.
    And the place they are now is much more beautiful than any of us could ever imagine.

    Oh, to be untethered from the material world...
    

    Monday, November 26, 2012

    Lump In My Throat...

    Christmas Eve will never be the same without my Dad's presence.
    Every time I look at this photo from last Christmas Eve, I choke up.

    We love you and miss you so much, Dad.

    Sunday, November 25, 2012

    Bubble-Wrapped...

    Everyone grieves differently.  I prefer to stay home, in my little bubble-wrapped world where people don't bother me.  I don't have to interact with anyone but my kids and husband.  I don't have to acknowledge people's condolences.  I don't have to put on a mask and pretend I'm not hurting. 

    I can play with my kids, yell at my kids, cry, clean the house, do nothing, bake, cry, get lost in my thoughts, fall apart, cry, all of the above.  There are no expectations, no deadlines, no pretense.  It is what it is.

    Leaving the house is a different story.  I have to pay attention to traffic lights, hit the brakes when I'm supposed to, concentrate.  At home or at my Mom's, I can just be.  It's safe there.  Those are the only two places I want to be. 

    I fell apart at Thanksgiving at my in-laws' house.  I had a panic attack.  It was pretty bad.  It was then that I realized that home was where I was the safest and that I just wasn't quite ready to get absorbed into the real world just yet.  It was a hard day.  Christmas will be worse.

    So, one hour at a time it is.  Sometimes a few hours at a time at the most.  Other than that, I'm taking my time.  It's not everyday one loses one's father way too early.  It's been 23 days since my Dad left this world.  I need some space to digest all this.  And if people just don't understand that, then fuck 'em.  My grief is my journey alone.  I'll do it my own way.  After all, I don't have a choice, do I?

    Saturday, November 24, 2012

    Untitled...

    This holiday season is really going to suck.
    I miss my Dad.

    Friday, November 23, 2012

    Searching...

    I'm searching for my happy place.  I haven't found it yet.
    I don't know when or if I ever will again.

    Thursday, November 22, 2012

    The Empty Chair...

    Wow.  Today's Thanksgiving and I just don't feel like being all that thankful while I grieve.  The holidays will never be the same without my Dad.  He passed away twenty days ago and it's still so fresh.  While I'm sure he's in a much better place now than he was here on earth, I'm struggling with accepting that things will never be the same as they once were. 

    It sucks.  It just plain sucks.

    Yet, I have to put on a strained happy face and fake my way through holiday cheer just so I don't ruin the spirit of the season for my four young children.  I suppose I can limit myself to crying only in the shower, but that's going to be quite a stretch.

    It's this whole new "normal" that I just don't want to get used to.  I just keep thinking of all the milestones in my children's lives that my Dad will miss out on.  He enjoyed the kids so much because they brought life into every room they walked into.  Christmas was his favorite holiday.  It's going to be so hard to see his empty chair and try to put on a happy face for the sake of my children who cannot possibly understand the magnitude of our family's loss.

    I must figure out how to balance what was with what is and what will be.  Until I do, I will feel like an exposed nerve throughout this holiday season.  'Tis the season to refill the Xanax.

    Wednesday, November 21, 2012

    Sorrow...

    I've always loved this one by Van Gogh.
    I just wish I didn't feel like her.

    Tuesday, November 20, 2012

    Strength...

    Someday I will be strong again...

    Monday, November 19, 2012

    Faking It...

    Today is my first day back at work in seventeen days.
    The last time I was in my classroom, my husband walked in and gave me the dreadful news that changed my life forever; my father had passed away that morning.

    I'm terrified of going back to work.  I'm afraid I'll break down.  I'm afraid that some of my students (certainly not all of them) will eat me alive, knowing I'm in a vulnerable state.  I'm scared that I won't be able to look anyone in the eye without bawling my eyes out.

    I am not looking forward to today at all.  So, I'm going to fake it as best as I can.  And I'm going to go home completely exhausted from it all.

    Sunday, November 18, 2012

    Strength...

    I'm going to need my strength to go back to work tomorrow.  The last time I was at work was November 2nd and my husband walked into my empty classroom to tell me that my father died.  I will need all the strength I can muster to make it through just walking in the door.  I know people will come up to me, colleagues and students alike.  I know they will express their sympathies.  I know it will be hard for me to keep it together.  I'm hoping Dad will help me out a little on this one.  It will be a very difficult thing for me to do.  I can only fake it for so long and I'm hoping I don't fall apart.

    And I'll never look at my classroom door the same ever again.  I'll forever be expecting Hubby to come through that door again with terrible news and reliving the moment that changed my whole life over and over again.

    Strength...just exactly where am I supposed to get that?

    Saturday, November 17, 2012

    Busy...

    Still numb.
    Wondering if I'll ever be the same again.

    Friday, November 16, 2012

    Missing...

    How I wish my Dad was here...
    I keep wanting to pick up the phone and call him just to talk.
    Never did I imagine that he would leave us this soon.

    Thursday, November 15, 2012

    Into The Next Room...

    This speaks volumes to me.
    I really, really miss you, Dad.

    Wednesday, November 14, 2012

    Pick Me Up...

    I went to Jack's and Liv's schools yesterday to pick up their report cards and have conferences with their teachers.  It turns out that my kids are amazing students, but I already knew that.  It was nice to hear nothing but positive things coming out of their teachers' mouths. 

    Both of their teachers said that if they had a room full of Jacks/Livs, their classrooms would be perfect.  I really needed to hear that, too.  It put a bright spot on a very difficult last twelve days.

    I hugged them all extra long last night.

    Tuesday, November 13, 2012

    Bangs...

    I thought a change might help me deal with my grief.
    I haven't had bangs in decades.
    If only getting bangs would give my Dad back to me...
    Today marks one week since his funeral.
    I'm still walking around lost.

    Monday, November 12, 2012

    And The Hills Were Hard To Climb...

    There are several things about my father's recent death that I just cannot get out of my head.
    This photo is of the back of his prayer card.
    Those verses are so exact, so right.

    Grieving is really, really exhausting.  It's much more physically taxing than anger.
    Of course, when you have BOTH, it's much, much worse.
    And that is where I am.

    Sunday, November 11, 2012

    Ripped Off...

    It's been nine days since my father passed away.
    When is the hurting supposed to subside even just a little?
    Every day is like the first day.
    I still just can't believe he's gone.  It makes me so sick with sadness.
    I won't even be going back to work for another week.  I just can't do it yet.
    Life simply just can't move on as if nothing happened, while my family and I are devastated.
    My father's death was not fair; he got ripped off.  He had a lot more years to give.
    This just cannot be the end of anything.
    I miss my Dad and I wonder if he knows that.
    The ache in my heart is more than any words could ever describe.

    Saturday, November 10, 2012

    Pooh...

    Pooh said it best.


    Friday, November 09, 2012

    One Week Ago...

    One week ago, my husband walked into my empty classroom accompanied by my principal. 
    My life changed that day; I found out my father passed away.
    The pain of that moment is still so very raw.
    I will never, ever forget that day or the days immediately following.
    Life will never be the same.

    Thursday, November 08, 2012

    Punka...

     My daughter, Liv, drew this for her Punka.
    He took it with him when we laid him to rest on Tuesday.
    It just breaks me up because my children will feel such a large absence in their lives.
    While I deal with my own grief, I must also address theirs, too.
    They are so young and grief can manifest in so many different ways in children.
    This is not an easy task at all.

    Wednesday, November 07, 2012

    Next Steps...

    One day at a time...

    Tuesday, November 06, 2012

    Peace...

    He was loved by many.  We're going to miss you, Dad.
    Today, you'll go to your final resting place and I'm hoping you can give us all copious amounts of strength to get through this.  We're going to need it.
    If you can, send us a little of that peace you've got now.  We sure could use some in our hearts.
    It's going to be a hard day.

    Monday, November 05, 2012

    Wake Up, Dad...

    Today is my Dad's wake.
    He's supposed to wake up now, right?
    He's not really gone, right?
    This is all just a really bad dream, right?

    This day is not happening, right?
    Grieving sucks. 
    It really sucks.
    I'm not ready to let him go yet.
    I'm just not ready.

    Sunday, November 04, 2012

    Grieving...

    You are never ready to lose a parent.
    You know it will happen one day, but you are never, ever ready.
    I wasn't ready.  I...can't...do...this.

    Saturday, November 03, 2012

    Dad...

    My father passed away.  He went to sleep on Thursday night and he never woke up.
    I am devastated.

    Friday, November 02, 2012

    Colour...

    Liv drew this fall scene in her art class at school. 
    I love how detailed she is in her drawings and how she uses so many colors to express what she envisions.  The corn, the barn, the silo, the pumpkins, the moon, the scarecrow and its outfit, the carrots in the ground she chose not to color, the varied shades of her chosen colors, the nighttime sky, etc... 
    All of it is absolutely delightful!

    Thursday, November 01, 2012

    Something Beginning With "C"...


    Here is Fatmumslim's Photo-A-Day Challenge for this month.  Are you in?  My photo for today is below.

    These are Nutella Cookies that I made from an easy recipe I found on Pinterest.
    I doubled the recipe.  They are divine!